Let’s talk about the difficulty that is dating in your 40’s in 2021.

Online dating, the majority of people use it.

For a person like me, it makes the most sense.

I have very few friends and most of the friends I do have are men, I have no desire to date their friends, nothing good can come of choosing that path.

I do not hang out in bars in my spare time, I do not attend any types of clubs, gyms or religious gatherings, so where do I meet people…dating sites.

Dating sites, for me, is where hope goes to die.

Since my divorce, I have been in one relationship, he cheated on me, broke my heart. In hindsight, he was draped in red flags, and possibly the most damaged human being I have ever met, and that’s saying something considering where I’ve met the majority of people in my life. Yet, a large chunk of my heart is still broken from that one, so I’m not sure what that says about me.

Then there was the friend who became more, who then became the resident of another state and I found out when he posted it on social media. He had his reasons, but…..another chunk of my heart busted.

After that mess, I decided to lick my wounds and I posted a new dating profile.

When it comes to online dating, I have a certain set of “rules.”

1. Ages range between 35-44. In that grouping, I have a better chance that they don’t live in their mom’s basement and have most of their “adult” boxes checked.

2. Within 15 miles. Considering where I live, dating geographically is a huge timesaver.

3. If they are “Ethically non-monogamous,” hard no. It’s not my thing and half the time, I think she just doesn’t know.

4. “I go to the gym everyday,” accompanied by nothing but gym selfie profile pics. Cool, then you probably don’t have time to date. Swipe left.

That’s it, four rules, if I’m asking too much, please let me know.

I’ve used all the dating sites, they all have their flaws. I don’t pay for any of them, because paying to be ghosted and harassed seems like self-sabotaging behavior.

Profiles range from seemingly genuine to downright hilarious.

Now, online dating is all about judgments, so before you get your knickers in a twist about me being judgmental, that’s how it works. 

Most people don’t even get to the profile, they just look at that photos make a judgment and swipe accordingly. 

Before you message me about being judgy or playing the victim. 
That’s not what I’m doing. 

I chose to date online, these are just my opinions, and yes, my judgments, drawn from my experience. 

Here we go…

Why does everyone want to go hiking? As a woman, this sounds dangerous for a first date. More importantly, more walking, unless its on the Beltline, is the last thing I want to do on my day off.

Yes, we all love pizza and tacos, it’s cliche to use it in your profile at this point.

What’s with the whole, if you voted this way, swipe left, deal? Are you seriously not old enough to have different beliefs than another adult and still get to know them as a person? Give me a break. Your world must be pretty small if that’s how you shape it.

“Just looking for the Bonnie to my Clyde.” Umm, so you’re looking for an abusive relationship with a minor filled with crime and dysfunction. Why not the Nancy to your Sid? At least they were both adults and Sid didn’t have serous mommy issues.

Everyone seems to “speak in sarcasm,” I’m a very sarcastic person, but I don’t announce it because it makes you seem like you’re not really sarcastic, you’re just angry.

Why do you find it necessary to declare how your last relationship ended in you current dating profile? That’s weird.

Also, I find it strange that men, that anyone, would post pictures of their children. It’s fine to say you have kids, but they are KIDS. Don’t post their pictures on a dating site! Blur them out, put emojis over their faces, something. Perverts, pedophiles and human traffickers troll these sites, why you would put your children on them boggles my mind.

Tinder has its own special reputation, which sucks, because I’m not a big fan of Bumble’s you message first feature. I rarely message first and I fully admit to judging men based on how they message me.

“Hey sexy,” unmatch

“What’s up buttercup,” buh-bye now

“Want to have my babies,” aren’t you still a baby?

“Let’s smash and work the rest out later,” ugh, ugh, ugh

I tried OkCupid, until my ex-husband was suggested as a 85% match and when I saw his profile, he used pictures from our wedding in his profile photos. *Blech

I did e-Harmony’s nine billion question questionnaire and at the end was told, “You are incompatible.” Way to boost a woman’s self-esteem. Out of your MILLIONS of users there is NO ONE I am compatible with, ooookaaaay!

I’ve talked to dozens of men, the conversations usually only last a day or two and then they go radio silent. I feel like the majority of men just use these sites for temporary entertainment, instead of to actually date.

The conversations that do go somewhere, don’t usually lead to a date. Instead, its days of chitchat, then we quickly move onto a phone call. You can tell a lot about if you’d get along with a person over a phone conversation. I’m typically a stickler for this step because I do not have a lot of free time and no longer have the patience to suffer through awkward dates.

Now, the other thing online dating has given me is enough “dick pics” to start my own Mapplethorpe-esque art exhibit.

WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY, do men do this?

I will be having a perfectly normal conversation with someone, we’ll exchange phone numbers and BOOM, first thing I’m sent is a picture of their junk.

I do NOT ask for them, nothing I say even remotely suggests I would be interested in this type of photograph. Unsolicited “dick pics” are assaultive, rude and violating. It’s just an asshole move.

The penis is not pretty, its not photogenic, it shouldn’t be put on display in the bright blue light of anyone’s smartphone. WHY?

Once, after texting back and forth with a guy on a site for over a week, we exchanged phone numbers. The FIRST text I get from this guy is a video. A video of him putting what looked like a steel rod up his penis. Then turning the camera around and saying, “I can’t wait to meet you.”

I texted back simply, “That’s rude.” He responded with six different phots of him with different women and said, “They didn’t think so.”

Ugh, why do I only seems to attract the creepy, childish, and perverted?

If we even get past the texting thing, without reproductive organ photos, then there is the first date.

I’ve been on a lot. *exhausted sigh

Here are some highlights:

There was the guy who took me out 25 miles from where we both lived. I met him at the restaurant, the conversation was weird, something wasn’t right and due to recent events in my life I’ve become extra suspicious.

Can you blame me?

He set down his credit card to pay for dinner and went to the restroom. I popped his name into Facebook. Up came his smiling profile photo of him, his WIFE and three kids. When he returned, I set my phone in front of him. He tells me, he was going to say something, he was just feeling me out first to see if I’d be willing to be his mistress.

Thanks for dinner, byyyyyeeee

There was the 44 year old corporate exec. Nice guy, he asked if I wanted to go axe throwing.

Yep! Turns out, I’m pretty good at it.

We had fun, went to dinner afterwards. During dinner, we start talking about the bad online dates we’ve been on. His stories usually involved some nightclub or college bar, some girl even stole his shoes. So I asked him, “am I the oldest woman you’ve gone out with?”

Yep!

He is 44, I am 40, according to him I am about 10 YEARS older than his usual dates, but he wanted to try something different. Okay, I can understand that, after all how much can a 44 year-old, divorced single father have in common with most 30 year olds.

The rest of the date went great, we had fun and at the end of the night he said we’d talk again soon. After a week of texting, I get the axe, and I quote, “You’re just not in the right stage of life for me.”

I’ve been on probably over a dozen first dates, dates that, I think, went well. I wait two days typically for a follow up text, if nothing, I just send and simple, “How’s your day?” 98% of the time, I’m ghosted.

I’ve been on four or five dates with the same guy and then….ghosted.

In my experience, men just want the “right now.” They like that first date feeling, so they only go on first dates. They’re happy when they feel wanted and bail when they don’t. I’m busy, I can’t text you every 20 minutes, sorry.

Or…..

They play the “How many dates until she sleeps with me” game and bail after that.

I’m very confused and I’m VERY over it.

I’ve decided to tape up what’s left of my busted heart and keep it for myself.

No more dating profiles, no more pen pal texting, NO MORE penis photos.

The one thing my marriage taught me is that I like being in a relationship, I like being someone’s partner, their sounding board. When its healthy, its amazing.

What I don’t like, is all the gross trial and error it takes to get there.

I just can’t do it anymore, if you truly know me, you know that I am actually super sensitive and I do care what people think about me. So, all this rejection, is not doing my mind, body or soul any favors.

So, until I choose to lower my standards or the dating world changes as a whole, I think its just going to be me and the dogs until the end of time.

You can’t say I didn’t give it the good ol’ online try. 🤷🏼‍♀️