I have recently lost my mind. Well maybe nothing that dramatic, but my current state is what I imagine losing my mind feels like.

Over the past six months, I have felt I need an overhaul, not a change, but a complete do-over.

Bottom line, I am not happy.

In fact, I am miserable.

I have no idea who I am.

I have spent the last four years shaping and molding my free-self into something palatable for everyone else. I jumped into a relationship, and then a marriage, I was wholly not ready for because I have no idea who I am.

I, as an individual, do not exist.

The above fact is tearing me apart.

I live in a house, surrounded by things that are not mine; I have friends that became mine by proxy. I live in this state with no family and everything in my identity is tied to labels: ex-con, wife, server, caretaker etc.

This is not a New Year’s resolution, this has been going on for some time, and it is time to find out who I am. To live a life of my own, on my own, where I rely on only me. It’s the only way I can find out who I truly am and what I am capable of as an individual.

When I began to feel this way, months ago, I asked for space, for the opportunity to figure it out, I didn’t get it and that only made me devolve further into the identity-less mess that sits behind the keyboard now.

I went to a therapist, told her how I felt and she said something that I carry with me every day,

“What I hear Kellie saying is that if you don’t give her space, she’s going to take it.”

It never occurred to me until that very moment, I could TAKE what I need.

I have that power; I haven’t had that power in a very long time.

I take that sentence with me daily, guard it and build from it like the last grain of sand from Fantasia the princess entrusted Bastian with. (Not often I can throw an analogy from The Never Ending Story into something, couldn’t miss this opportunity, it is MY blog after all)

That is what I shall do, I will take my grain of sand, the one piece of individuality where I recognize myself, and I will build from it, on my own. I can no longer be just about prison trauma, marriage, other people’s problems and issues. I can’t only be the person that someone else envisions me to be or labels me. I have to figure it out on my own.

I asked for my chance, for time, I didn’t get, now I’m taking it. I have that power; I’ve had it all along. (points to you if you get that movie reference)

Here I go…..again.

“We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.

Joseph Campbell